Come­di­ans Mock Hegseth’s Pledge Not To Drink, Attack His Mom

In his past life, Sec­re­tary of Defense nom­i­nee Pete Hegseth did some things he is not proud of but insists that he is a dif­fer­ent man today. Instead of cel­e­brat­ing Hegseth’s trans­for­ma­tion, the late night come­di­ans mocked his pledge not to drink on the job on their Wednes­day shows and attacked his mom for defend­ing him.

On CBS’s The Late Show, host Stephen Col­bert declared, “In case you did­n’t know, hav­ing a Sec­re­tary of Defense who can­not stay sober might be bad, because ‘a Sec­re­tary of Defense is gen­er­al­ly work­ing at all hours and might need to respond to a cri­sis at any time, day or night.’ Now, to calm fears about this exact issue, Hegseth’s team has released this ad.”

The satir­i­cal ad start­ed with Hillary Clinton’s 2008 “It’s 3 a.m.” ad, where the nar­ra­tor asks, “It’s 3 a.m. and your chil­dren are safe and asleep. Who do you want answer­ing the phone?” and was fol­lowed by a fake Hegseth adding, “It’s Pete, bitch, I’m drink­ing Bai­leys out of my third wife’s shoes! Woo hoo! Let’s bomb France!”

Col­bert then mocked Hegseth, “Today Hegseth foreswore on the job drink­ing, say­ing, ‘this is the biggest deploy­ment of my life, and there won’t be a drop of alco­hol on my lips while I’m doing it.’ A bold pledge that can only mean one thing. He’s going to butt chug.” 

Over at ABC, the epony­mous host of Jim­my Kim­mel Live! and his audi­ence snick­ered at the idea Hegseth could be a changed man, “In one inci­dent they say Pete became so intox­i­cat­ed at a work event, he had to be stopped from join­ing dancers on the stage of a Louisiana strip club. I don’t know what kind of work event that was, but Hegseth says these are all lies and also promised that if he gets con­firmed by the Sen­ate, he will stop drink­ing. But if not, he’s storm­ing The Capi­tol Grille at hap­py hour.”

Kim­mel also recalled, “The New York Times got hold of a very damn­ing email Pete’s moth­er sent him about the way he treats women. So, this morn­ing his mom, who appar­ent­ly shared this with some­one who shared it with the Times, went on Fox & Friends to do dam­age con­trol, which is fun­ny. Has a nom­i­nee for Sec­re­tary of Defense, has a nom­i­nee for Sec­re­tary of Defense ever put his mom on TV to help him? Did Don­ald Rums­feld’s mom? Leon Panet­ta? Did his mom do that? No?”

No, but a pre­vi­ous Sec­re­tary of Defense want­ed to get rid of the Navy and the Marine Corps, and the cur­rent DOD chief went AWOL, so if com­par­ing him to his pre­de­ces­sors is the joke, let’s exam­ine all of Pen­ta­gon his­to­ry.

Mean­while, back over at Com­e­dy Cen­tral, The Dai­ly Show’s host of the week, Ron­ny Chieng, also tried to sug­gest Pene­lope Hegseth com­ing to her son’s defense was dis­qual­i­fy­ing, “What kind of par­ent-teacher con­fer­ence are we watch­ing right now? Because the future Sec­re­tary of Defense needs his mom to come out and defend him? I thought you were against women in com­bat roles. And besides, I nev­er saw Don­ald Rums­feld be like, ‘Hey, I have a warn­ing for the Tal­iban. Mom, you tell them.’”

Chieng added, “Now, the rea­son Pete’s mom is part of this sto­ry is because a few years ago, dur­ing his sec­ond divorce, his mom sent him an email where she called him, her own son, a habit­u­al cheater, liar, and abuser of women. But now she’s say­ing, eh, don’t wor­ry about it!”

After a clip of Pene­lope Hegseth claim­ing Pete has changed and “most of” the sto­ries going around about him are “mis­in­for­ma­tion,” Chieng attacked, “What? Mis­in­for­ma­tion? You wrote the email! You’re the one who told us he is a piece of shit. And by the way, sev­en years was­n’t ancient his­to­ry, okay. We still have the same Spi­der­man.”

 If Pene­lope Hegseth was a cred­i­ble enough source to claim Pete had prob­lems in his life he need­ed to fix then she is a cred­i­ble enough source to claim that he is a changed man.

Here are tran­scripts for the Decem­ber 4 shows:

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Col­bert

12/4/2024

11:39 PM ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: In case you did­n’t know, hav­ing a Sec­re­tary of Defense who can­not stay sober might be bad, because “a Sec­re­tary of Defense is gen­er­al­ly work­ing at all hours and might need to respond to a cri­sis at any time, day or night.” Now, to calm fears about this exact issue, Hegseth’s team has released this ad.

NARRATOR: It’s 3 a.m. and your chil­dren are safe and asleep. Who do you want answer­ing the phone?

FAKE PETE HEGSETH: It’s Pete, bitch, I’m drink­ing Bai­leys out of my third wife’s shoes! Woo hoo! Let’s bomb France!

COLBERT: Today. There you go, sure, why not? Chug­ging Bai­leys. Today Hegseth foreswore on the job drink­ing, say­ing, “this is the biggest deploy­ment of my life, and there won’t be a drop of alco­hol on my lips while I’m doing it.” A bold pledge that can only mean one thing. He’s going to butt chug. 

***

ABC Jim­my Kim­mel Live!

12/4/2024

11:44 PM ET

JIMMY KIMMEL: In one inci­dent they say Pete became so intox­i­cat­ed at a work event, he had to be stopped from join­ing dancers on the stage of a Louisiana strip club. I don’t know what kind of work event that was, but Hegseth says these are all lies and also promised that if he gets con­firmed by the Sen­ate, he will stop drink­ing. But if not, he’s storm­ing The Capi­tol Grille at hap­py hour.

The New York Times got hold of a very damn­ing email Pete’s moth­er sent him about the way he treats women. So, this morn­ing his mom, who appar­ent­ly shared this with some­one who shared it with the Times, went on Fox & Friends to do dam­age con­trol, which is fun­ny. Has a nom­i­nee for Sec­re­tary of Defense, has a nom­i­nee for Sec­re­tary of Defense ever put his mom on TV to help him? Did Don­ald Rums­feld’s mom? Leon Panet­ta? Did his mom do that? No?

***

Com­e­dy Cen­tral The Dai­ly Show

12/4/2024

11:05 PM ET

RONNY CHIENG: What kind of par­ent-teacher con­fer­ence are we watch­ing right now? Because the future Sec­re­tary of Defense needs his mom to come out and defend him? I thought you were against women in com­bat roles. And besides, I nev­er saw Don­ald Rums­feld be like, “Hey, I have a warn­ing for the Tal­iban. Mom, you tell them.” 

Now, the rea­son Pete’s mom is part of this sto­ry is because a few years ago, dur­ing his sec­ond divorce, his mom sent him an email where she called him, her own son, a habit­u­al cheater, liar, and abuser of women. But now she’s say­ing, eh, don’t wor­ry about it!

PENELOPE HEGSETH: Let’s go back sev­en years, which, if we all went back sev­en years, we would — we would see that maybe we are not the peo­ple we are today. [jump cut] I want peo­ple to look at Pete, [jump cut] under­stand him for who he is today, and to dis­re­gard the media. That was sev­en years ago, and most of it is mis­in­for­ma­tion.

CHIENG: What? Mis­in­for­ma­tion? You wrote the email! You’re the one who told us he is a piece of shit. And by the way, sev­en years was­n’t ancient his­to­ry, okay. We still have the same Spi­der­man.