Akron, Ohio Nar­row­ly Los­es Bid To Host 2036 Olympic Games

AKRON, OH — Sev­er­al mem­bers of the city coun­cil were report­ed­ly “extreme­ly bummed” to have nar­row­ly lost its bid to host the 2036 Olympic Games in the 142nd Inter­na­tion­al Olympic Com­mit­tee meet­ing in July. Accord­ing to May­or Sham­mas Malik, the city had been hop­ing to host an Olympics for sev­er­al decades now, and the news […]

9 Shock­ing Things J.D. Vance Did In High School

As even more incrim­i­nat­ing pic­tures of sen­a­tor and vice pres­i­den­tial can­di­date J.D. Vance’s scan­dalous high school years sur­faced in recent weeks, the nation was left won­der­ing: who is this total freak from Ohio, and what oth­er scur­rilous mis­chief did he get up to in his youth? The Baby­lon Bee con­duct­ed an exten­sive inves­ti­ga­tion to uncov­er […]

Biden Briefly Released From Cap­tiv­i­ty To Cam­paign For Kamala

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Atten­dees at this week’s Har­ris-Walz cam­paign ral­ly in the nation’s cap­i­tal were treat­ed to a rare occur­rence as Pres­i­dent Joe Biden was briefly released from cap­tiv­i­ty to cam­paign for Kamala. In a rare pub­lic appear­ance, the leader of the free world took the stage to show his sup­port for his Vice Pres­i­dent […]

‘We Should Get Togeth­er Some­time,’ Man Tells Friend Before Ignor­ing Him For The Next Twen­ty Years

EAGAN, MN — Sources close to native Min­nesotan Paul John­son are report­ing that the 35-year-old told a bud­dy of his that “we should get togeth­er some­time” before prepar­ing to com­plete­ly for­get about his exis­tence for the next two decades. John­son’s friend, Daniel Hen­dricks, said that the two high-school mates had already been play­ing “phone and […]

Dad, Tod­dler Equal­ly Mes­mer­ized By Exca­va­tor

PAOLA, KS — A local wife and moth­er report­ed a fas­ci­nat­ing inci­dent today, as she entered her fam­i­ly’s liv­ing room to find her hus­band and tod­dler son equal­ly mes­mer­ized by the sight of an exca­va­tor work­ing across the street. Dana Hen­son had just fin­ished putting food away in the fridge after lunch when she walked […]

Touch­ing: Kamala Announces Plan To Hang ‘Joy’ Sign Above Bread Lines

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Beloved pres­i­den­tial can­di­date Kamala Har­ris recent­ly unveiled a touch­ing new plan to hang a sign read­ing “Joy” over every bread line in Amer­i­ca if she is elect­ed pres­i­dent. Accord­ing to her speech, the sign would help encour­age Amer­i­cans who will be forced to wait in miles-long bread lines for a small gov­ern­ment […]

La Croix Intro­duces New Creamed Corn Fla­vor

U.S. — In an excit­ing announce­ment expect­ed to gen­er­ate sig­nif­i­cant buzz among peo­ple who enjoy bev­er­ages vague­ly fla­vored by obscure and unpop­u­lar fla­vors, sparkling water brand La Croix has intro­duced a new Creamed Corn fla­vor. The new fla­vor was cho­sen fol­low­ing exten­sive research to find any fla­vors La Croix had not already used, which end­ed […]

Sean Astin Goes Cam­paign­ing In The Dead Marsh­es To Reg­is­ter New Demo­c­rat Vot­ers

THE DEAD MARSHES — Beloved Hol­ly­wood celebri­ty Sean Astin, famous for star­ring in The Goonies and Peter Jack­son’s The Lord of the Rings Tril­o­gy, has report­ed­ly jour­neyed to the Dead Marsh­es to reg­is­ter new Demo­c­rat vot­ers. “Here I am in the Dead Marsh­es, because I fan­cy myself some sort of thought leader,” Sean Astin said […]