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Republicans Desperately Need An Agenda

“President Crusty and the Democrats suck” is a powerful battle cry, but it’s not enough. Cocaine Mitch, in one of his many recent missteps, indicated that the Senate GOP caucus was not going to disclose its post-election game plan and that it would be spending its campaign highlighting the myriad failures of the enemy. And what a litany of screw-ups it is…

The Afghanistan humiliation.

Gas at $6 a gallon and the redefinition of a recession.

Making the rest of us subsidize nitwits who dropped big bucks buying gender studies degrees at the University of College.

That’s just a few cuts off these knuckleheads’ greatest hits album. But here’s the thing – complaining about the immensity of their sucking is not enough.

Yes, the Democrats suck.

They super-suck.

They suck suck suckitty suck.

And we know that. Everyone knows that. It’s baked in. So, we need to get beyond merely pointing at them and saying, “They are terrible, right?”

Hey GOP, what the hell are you guys going to do about it?

That’s the missing piece. That’s what we’re not getting. Nikki Haley-esque cliches like “We will do the work of the American people” don’t cut it.

What is the first thing that happens when Kevin McCarthy gets voted Speaker? I don’t know. You don’t know. But we should know. It might inspire us.

It’s not like the congressional GOP has earned a lot of benefit of the doubt with the base. In fact, what little they had has been systematically frittered away. You have Republicans signing onto a gun control bill – pop quiz, hotshots: What is the name of even one Republican elected to Congress with a mandate for voting in favor of a Democrat gun control bill?

There is no such Republican.

And when the FBI raided the President, we had a bunch of Republicans defaulting to “Well, we need to see all the facts and hear what the FBI has to say before we jump to any conclusions.”

No no no no no.

There are no facts that would ever make Grandpa Badfinger sending government guys with guns to rummage around Melania’s shoe closet okay. And the only thing the GOP should want to hear from the FBI is sobbing over how that orchard of good apples is collectively out of a job.

Republicans, you can blow this Red Wave. But you shouldn’t. You should crush the Dems. You have historic tailwinds behind you. As we have noted, the enemy is a motley collection of pinko morons, freaks and perverts led by a corrupt, senile degenerate. Yet there is one fact, one paramount consideration that could lead to you fumbling this ballot box gimme.

You are Republican politicians, and you can screw up anything.

We need to know what you are going to do if you manage to take Congress in spite of yourselves. You’ll have a two-year window before either Trump or DeSantis comes along to defeat Kamala. Paint the picture, dudes. Tell us what you will do.

And it’s not that hard, because there’s not a lot that you can do. Our alleged president is still ensconced in the Oval Office and we can’t decree laws – though apparently, he can (Mental Note: Thanks to Crusty’s rejection of the inconvenient norms that once limited the scope of executive authority, President DeSantis or Trump 2.0 now has massive new powers and ought to think about how to use them ruthlessly).

Here’s basically what Congress can do during the next two years.

  1. Pass compromise laws 

  2. Stop idiotic new laws

  3. Stop appointments.

  4. Not fund stuff

  5. Oversight

  6. Make the Democrats in Congress pay

That’s all a Congress can really do when the White House is held by the other party, so it’s not that hard to explain to the base how the GOP proposes to do those things.

For compromise laws, no more compromising our rights. Gun control? What the hell were you people thinking? “We will work with Democrats to pass necessary laws, but we will never compromise conservative principles.”

Stopping idiotic laws is a great selling point. “We will not pass a single dime in tax increases or authorize the expansion of any bureaucratic agency.”

For appointments, draw the line. “No radicals will even get a hearing. And for the non-radicals, the formula is one of ours for one of yours. If Biden wants a judge he likes confirmed, he has to nominate another judge of our choosing and we will confirm them together.” 

The power of the purse – this is important. We need to make some high-profile statements by refusing to spend money they want. How about this: “Our spending bill forbids the federal government from spending any money promoting woke nonsense, and likewise bans any spending on any school or college that allows woke nonsense. If Biden wants to shut down the government by vetoing our spending bill because he thinks CRT is more important than keeping it open, so be it.”

Oversight is important, but let’s not imagine all America will be transfixed hearing about Hunter doing meth in a Lithuanian brothel. We know these people are corrupt. Pick some key investigations, and then take the show on the road. Get the testimony outside of Washington DC. Why? Well, first the American people are the audience so the show ought to go to them. But even more important is to get bums like Fauci, Milley, Wray, and the rest under oath outside of Washington so they can be tried for perjury somewhere besides the Democrat-loving DC courts when the new GOP Department of Justice takes over in January 2025.

And then there is making the Democrats pay. Remember that question about what is the first thing that happens when Kevin McCarthy gets elected Speaker? “The moment I am sworn in as Speaker, Adam the Weasel Schiff and Toots Chicombanger Swalwell will be removed from all committees. I will also remove the ranking Democrat member of each committee as a consequence of their allowing Nancy Pelosi to break the norms of the House by rejecting our J6 Committee appointees. After a year, if they publicly admit her wrongdoing and agree to re-establish the old norms, I will consider reinstating them to the positions they worked to achieve for decades. But they must pay for what their party did and before we go back to the old rules, they must demonstrate that they have learned their lesson.”

Now, that’s inspiring stuff for the base, much more inspiring than “Gee, look how much the Democrats suck!”

Though the Democrats do suck.

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